| Author | Message | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2678 Registered: 08-2003 |
REVISION: THE ROAD DOWN The shop owner paints The Day of the Dead in miniature. Small cut-outs of Kahlo's head float on strips of wood. A skeleton pulls a chair up to the bar, his eyes glittering rubies. He talks too much, prattles on about the Ladinos, the ladies who work on his petite theaters. There is something condescending in his gringo skin. The way he knows all the rituals —- like Santa Elena de la Cruz who takes nails from the Cross, pins her lover's heart to make him loyal. There is a milagro —- a Mexican religious charm depicts a heart with a dagger in it. "Where do you think Cupid came from?" Twelve hours later I'm going south on a damned bus to Zacatecas through desert and dearth. There is trash trapped in the ditches. Nothing changes here. The bus slows for construction. Just enough time to see a man emerge from the market. He looks at me through the window, eyes rotted from too many Coronas. I think of Christ, how he called my cell but never left a message. Hung himself above my bed at The Inn of the Nuns in room 26. His breath seeped out of the rusted pipes. He knows his shape was sculpted from a six-pointed star. "Listen, God -- Santa Elena has taken a nail from your Cross and used it to pin her lovers. Why do they always leave me?" I still cry for that bastard. The bus speeds up again. Christ joins the burros ahead, never looks back. ORIGINAL: The shop owner paints The Day of the Dead in miniature. Small cut outs of Kahlo’s head float on strips of wood. A skeleton pulls up a chair to the bar, his red eyes glittering like rubies. He talks too much. Prattles on about the Ladinos. The ladies who work on his petite theaters. There is something condescending in his pasty gringo skin. The way he knows all the rituals— like Santa Elena de la Cruz who takes nails from the Cross, pinning her lover’s heart to make him loyal. There is a milagro— a Mexican religious charm, that shows a heart with a dagger in it. “Where do you think Cupid came from?” Twelve hours later I’m still on this damn bus to Zacatecas. It’s the hell ride south through desert and dearth. There is trash trapped in the ditches like an apathetic upheaval. Nothing will change these rotten lives. The bus slows down for the construction. Just enough time to see a Mexican man emerge from the market. He looks directly at me through the window eyes rotted from too many Coronas. I think of Christ and how he called on my cell but never left a message. Hung himself above my bed at The Inn of the Nuns nailed to the wall of room 26. His breath seeped out of the rusted pipes waiting above the fireplace. He knows his shape was sculpted from a six pointed star. “Listen God, Santa Elena has taken a nail from your Cross and used it to pin her lovers. Why is it they always leave me?” I still cry for that bastard. The bus picks up again. Christ joins the burros just ahead never looks back. Alternate end: Why is it they always leave me?” The bus picks up again. Christ joins the burros up ahead and never looks back. I still cry for that bastard. | ||
| sue kay
Member Username: suekay Post Number: 92 Registered: 11-2005 |
E, this poem is a nail, that pins the reader, and never lets go. This work is so satisfying, in imagery and craft, its hard to critique. I like the alternate ending better, tho I wonder why you left out "never looks back." I think it is important. coupla minor nits, up a chair to the bar, his red eyes glittering [like] rubies. He talks too much. Prattles on There is a milagro— [a Mexican religiou charm],consider leaving this out, trust your reader to know that shows a heart with a daggar in it. “Where do you think Cupid came from?” Twelve hours later I’m still on this damn bus to Zacatecas. [It’s the hell ride]not sure you need this, we already know where we are :^] south through desert and dearth. There is trash trapped in the ditches [like an apathetic upheaval].this is a little awkward for me, apathetic and upheaval are a little at odds Nothing will change these rotten lives. The bus slows down for the construction. Just enough time to see a [Mexican] dont' think you need this, we know where we are man emerge from the market. He looks directly at me through the window eyes rotted from too many Coronas. At any rate this piece delivers everything I want in a poem. Wonderful. Sue | ||
| Lazarus
Advanced Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 1027 Registered: 10-2005 |
Wow! and one more Wow! The second is for the little picks that Sue made on a more than fine poem that would make it even better! Yes this delivers, on so many levels. And the earth, bristling and raw, tiny and lost resumes its search; rushing through the vast astonishment- Ted Hughes, from His Legs Ran About. | ||
| SplinterGroup
Advanced Member Username: splinter Post Number: 1005 Registered: 11-2003 |
There is always that same thing about your poetry that I can never quite do myself and that is the sharp edged very very clear quality about it. The pain in this piece is very evident. Palpable. The images are very clear and undeniable. I'm jealous. Addotto | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 548 Registered: 01-2005 |
E, What a wonderful ride your poem is! Sue has already given you some great suggestions to make this even stronger. I find this to be a most sophisticated poem --one that really delivers. Love all your attention to detail. My favorite stanza is this: I think of Christ and how he called on my cell but never left a message. Hung himself above my bed at The Inn of the Nuns nailed to the wall of room 26. His breath seeped out of the rusted pipes waiting above the fireplace. He knows his shape was sculpted from a six pointed star. Excellent poem!! Teresa | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2684 Registered: 08-2003 |
Sue I put the alternate end back in below the piece. I think I have reconstructed it. After reading your post this morning, I decided to leave it there to allow other readers the option of voting. The second end is more sinister and I could use it as long as there is ambiguity (is the narrator speaking of Christ as a bastard or of the last man that left her). Apart from that immediate thought, thank you for going over my poem in such detail. I think you found exactly those points that need tweaking. As picky as I am with other poet's poetry, I'm picky of critiques too! Thank you for seeing into this work. Laz thank you. Come back a little later when I've posted a revision will ya? Splinta for you to be jealous of me is 500% compensation. Teresa, considering what a wonderful poet you are, I take great pride in your comments. I'll be back all. E | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 3018 Registered: 09-2002 |
Emusing, fabulous work. Don't hit me but I liked the original better--still undecided about the endings. I know you'll make the right choice. Best, Kathryn | ||
| Lazarus
Advanced Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 1037 Registered: 10-2005 |
E- I miss these lines in your original: Twelve hours later I’m still on this damn bus to Zacatecas. It’s the hell ride south through desert and dearth. There is trash trapped in the ditches like an apathetic upheaval. Nothing will change these rotten lives. At first I was thinking you might take out 'apathetic upheaval' But it discribes the people and place and the situation so well, that I'm for it now. And I miss 'hell ride.' All other edits help the piece and I vote for the ending you have, not the alternate. And the earth, bristling and raw, tiny and lost resumes its search; rushing through the vast astonishment- Ted Hughes, from His Legs Ran About. | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2688 Registered: 08-2003 |
Kathryn, thank you for the vote of confidence. I'm glad you like the original. Tough to know what to keep and what to toss. Funny Laz, I was just ruminating over that "apathetic upheaval." Its a bit of an oxymoron that seemed true. There is SO much trash in these ditches and it goes on for miles and miles and I think...doesn't anyone care? Why doesn't anyone come out here and clean this up? The landscape is breathtaking and yet the contast of the filth is depressing. Well the politics of Mexico are quite complex. I hope one day honesty in government rains, reins, reigns. Let's not even talk about the U.S. The corruption is deeper than any oil well.. Thanks for coming back. I'll wait for a few more takers and then make the final changes. E | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3795 Registered: 07-2003 |
A fascinating poem E, I like original best, btw typo on dagger, I would keep the dagger bit, only local people would know what milagro is...I didn't have a clue.! (Message edited by zephyr on February 03, 2006) | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3914 Registered: 07-2002 |
E--this is stellar. A well realized, complex read that is as disturbing as it is powerful. I prefer this ending, but would be happy with either. "Santa Elena has taken a nail from your Cross and used it to pin her lovers. Why is it they always leave me?" I still cry for that bastard. The bus picks up again. Christ joins the burros up ahead and never looks back. " Well done! best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2694 Registered: 08-2003 |
Zeph, thank you! After a couple of other comments on keeping the explanation of the dagger, I tend to agree. Lisa thanks for those kind words. I am gravitating toward that end too. Hoping to hear from a few more to help me get off the fence on a few of these things. E | ||
| michael julius sottak
Advanced Member Username: julius Post Number: 2075 Registered: 12-2003 |
this if fine work E-bird, truthfully I almost didn't read, wondered about the title, you know somepreachetouruslyprevacation, but in the end I just smiled,,, damn fine my darlin!... | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2698 Registered: 08-2003 |
Jules thank you. That title is something I mulled over. It's a give away. Maybe: At Ojinaga The Road Down ?? E-Bird | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6546 Registered: 11-1998 |
A great read, E. Due to my limited time, I'm just going to make suggested edits directly on the copy. You can compare this with your own and see if you wish to keep any of what I recommend: The shop owner paints The Day of the Dead in miniature. Small cut-outs of Kahlo's head float on strips of wood. A skeleton pulls a chair up to the bar, his eyes glittering rubies. He talks too much, prattles on about the Ladinos, the ladies who work on his petite theaters. There is something condescending in his gringo skin. The way he knows all the rituals —- like Santa Elena de la Cruz who takes nails from the Cross, pins her lover's heart to make him loyal. There is a milagro —- a Mexican religious charm depicts a heart with a dagger in it. "Where do you think Cupid came from?" Twelve hours later I'm going south on a damned bus to Zacatecas through desert and dearth. There is trash trapped in the ditches. Nothing changes here. The bus slows for construction. Just enough time to see a man emerge from the market. He looks at me through the window, eyes rotted from too many Coronas. I think of Christ, how he called my cell but never left a message. He's nailed to the wall above my bed in room 26 at The Inn of the Nuns. His breath seeped out of the rusted pipes. He knows his shape was sculpted from a six-pointed star. "Listen, God -- Santa Elena has taken a nail from your Cross and used it to pin her lovers. Why is it they always leave me?" I still cry for that bastard. The bus speeds up again. Christ joins the burros ahead, never looks back. Hope something I've offered will help. Love, M | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2699 Registered: 08-2003 |
Dear M, Thank you so much for tinkering with this. I know your time is precious. Love the linebreaks. I've put the revised version up. I changed the title to The Road Down as I thought the end would reveal itself. A little unsure if I need the old title to clue the reader in. Thoughts anyone? Love, E | ||
| Lazarus
Advanced Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 1059 Registered: 10-2005 |
E-This is now a well-tuned machine delivering plenty of distance and speed- right to the heart. Oh, and I forgot to say, love the new title! (Message edited by lazarus on February 05, 2006) And the earth, bristling and raw, tiny and lost resumes its search; rushing through the vast astonishment- Ted Hughes, from His Legs Ran About. | ||
| sue kay
Member Username: suekay Post Number: 97 Registered: 11-2005 |
E, love the revision. The new title works extremely well for me. But I also liked the original, when you have something that good, can you work it somewhere into your intro stanza? Or into one of the others, it is an essential idea to what you have here, perhaps you can drop it casually into the body of the work. Still love this, Sue | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2706 Registered: 08-2003 |
Lazarus gracias. I'm so glad the title works! sue much thanks for coming back to this. I'm not sure how I can incorporate that in...mulling this. Thanks all for your help. Don't know what I'd do without your valuable input. E | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1781 Registered: 11-2004 |
E~ I've enjoyed seeing this poem evolve from the original post. The subject matter is very intriguing to me. I think the revision is very fine and quite clever. take care~dale | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2718 Registered: 08-2003 |
Thanks Dale. So there ARE lurkers out there heh heh. I'm glad you found this interesting. I recall other poems of yours on this subject. I just went where the poem wanted to go. E | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1507 Registered: 11-2003 |
loved it all, so good you "might" consider cutting "I still cry for that bastard" I think it's evident that the protagonist cares enjoyable read, beginning to end laurie | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2725 Registered: 08-2003 |
Laurie I think you may be right. Okay, I'll consider dumping the bastard. Thanks much for coming down. E | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 674 Registered: 08-2004 |
E, This is one fine poem. The pull of it is just outstanding throughout. Your imagery comes to life with, what seems to be, little effort. Well done! A great POTW, yes, but an even greater read for me. (((smile))) Karen | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2740 Registered: 08-2003 |
Thanks if the effort doesn't show, I am pleased. Your acknowledgement sooooo appreciated Karen.  E |
